I feel like my relationship to my sexuality is undergoing a fundamental change. It’s all fairly personal (well, minus gooey details), but hey, what’s LJ for?
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\nIt used to be that what turned me on was really simple, and I knew what it was. A bit of a certain activity and a certain aspect of attitude of my partner(s), real or fantasized, and I was set. I could put these elements together in a million different fantasizes. Getting turned on was easy. I’d always invoke this same fetish, but I didn’t need much variety.<\/p>\n
My attitude toward sexuality has changed over the years (of course). When I was a teenager, I’d masturbate when I felt fat, or in spurts when I got good porn (each time collecting a bunch and then getting disgusted with it and throwing it all away). Later, I decided that masturbation was an act of self-love, and I loved to do it.<\/p>\n
But now with the youtube knock-offs, decent porn is trivial to get, and I’m starting to worry that I burnt my fetish out. Somehow, recently after a dozen years, I’ve grown bored of it. The center has been eaten away, and I don’t know what I want anymore.<\/p>\n
Good sex is pretty easy to get, but I don’t really want it. I oscillate between enjoying masturbation better than any sex, and wanting someone to make *love* to. I don’t expect sexuality to be easy, but the more I scratch my trusty itch, the less it works– but it’s still all I have.<\/p>\n
I’ve looked around for other fetishes; I’ve tried a million fantasies; I’ve begged my sexuality to tell me what it wants. Nothing. Randomly, I’ll get horny in the middle of the day, but it dissipates when I try to track it down. I try to build up my sexual energy to a breaking point, and it breaks in my sleep and leaves me no more enlightened.<\/p>\n
I’m sure this won’t last forever, so I’m trying to make the most out of the confusion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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